In a surprise turn of events, the criminal spider, believed to be an evil cleric of the Devil, returned to the bathtub of resident dweller Shawn Topp. According to unconfirmed reports, it was less than 2 days ago when the evil spider made his first appearance in the bathtub.
“I was like, whoa, that spider is big. I thought he looked pretty mean, but I was more shocked than scared. By simply being in my home it was like he was mocking me and I’m really not used to that type of treatment.” said Topp. “So I did what any reasonable man protecting his property would do. I flushed that bastard down the drain with a combined attack of both the shower head and the tub faucet. I also gave him the finger as he spun helplessly back to the depths of Hell from whence he came”.
Still in shock but relieved the apparent attack was over, Topp was almost knocked off his feet when he saw the menacing beast back in the tub earlier this evening. When asked what his motivations were for returning to the tub, the spider, through clenched fangs dripping with venom, responded “Revenge. I want to look the <expletive> in the eyes that tried to drown me and bite him good. I am also looking for small bugs to eat like gnats, flies and earwigs.”
When confronted with the Spider’s motive for returning, Topp said he wasn’t surprised. “What can I say. You can’t rationalize with evil doers. They live by a different set of rules than you and I and clearly in his mind he believed returning was a good idea.”
But in the end, it was Topp who came out the winner. Armed with nothing more than a shoe (reports state it was the left shoe), the quick-thinking brave young man in an act of utter heroics, forced the Spider’s hand with a crushing blow. Apparently he went back to the shower head/tub faucet maneuver even though it backfired the last time around. “I almost went to the classic ‘paper towel, down the toilet’ move, but I figured it was poetic justice to use the tub again.”
With the ordeal finally over, Topp hopes that life will finally start getting back to normal. “I’m tired. Really tired.”
Let’s just hope the Spider doesn’t have an angry relative looking to settle the score. Topp said he will keep a closer eye on his bathtub, and although he will carry the trauma with him for the rest of his life, said he is ready to move on.
With files from the bathroom.